Intention: Communication

Latin communis common, munus service, gift, Sanskrit mayate he exchanges

communicare to impart, participate

The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place. ~ George Bernard Shaw

My intention to communicate effectively has been a great challenge for me, particularly in the past few weeks when life has placed lessons in front of me, which has caused my whole being to recede to seek what I can grasp to make sense of it all.
My withdrawal, as a means of survival in my past (marriage), has now become the very thing which has strangled my ability to remain open and accessible to others around me. This auto-pilot mode that has so efficiently brought me through my most trying times emotionally; the very thing that allowed me to wake up, and proceed in my day without causing interruption to my children’s lives, or my work life; this modus operandi and paradigm in which I lived, unquestioned and un-argued is now a premise that is false, and counterproductive.

When I am in my auto-pilot mode, I have my tape-recorder in my head, on repeat and I am telling myself to not be a bother to anyone, not to cause anyone discomfort or have anyone fuss over me. I tell myself that I am SOLELY responsible, there is no one else that will take care of my children, or my house, or pay my bills. If I don’t make this ship float, then it all ends.

So, in effect, if I have concerns, I squash them-they aren't important, I shouldn't bother with such triviality which may turn out to be nothing anyway.

And when my concern becomes something too big, too suffocating and too overwhelming, I burst, and my words come out all wrong, and the situation then becomes far too painful to deal with, and the cycle begins again as I become silent.

I am very good at saying I am sorry, thank you, I love you and a myriad of heart messages expressing my deepest connection with a person. I couldn’t find it in myself to convey to the man I love when he was heading off to school that I was concerned about losing connection with him, with the distance and the separation, and the daily business of it all--I just never said anything. I never gave my concerns the stage so that he could speak to them, and put them to rest or perhaps not, but at the very least they would have been acknowledged by me.

When it comes to my opening up my emotional viscera, peering inside and exposing that which is the biggest gift (through communication) of myself to others, I hesitate. Judgement is a fear that is common to many who are unwilling to be vulnerable, as it is to me. I understand the importance of vulnerability and have made leaps and bounds in allowing others to see my ungraceful humanity, and know of my innate desire to be of use or service; be of value to others through sharing my experiences regardless of anothers opinion.

The biggest hurdle I face is asserting myself in a dignified, and respectful manner to those who are closest to me. Communicating that their behaviour or their words impact me is such ways, and being able to discuss through to understanding (on both sides).

I have failed in doing this very thing with the man I love.

All this tells me that I have new behaviors to work on, and set in place. My need for survival has been surpassed by a driven desire to thrive, and really connect in joy with those I love dearly.

Please continue this journey with me.

yours, in immutable LOVE.